Sunday 5 July 2009

Blogging the final sets of the Wimbledon Final

17h06
Roddick serving in the final set: the crowd, wooed by the Hollywood of it all, are cheering him on. Of course they are - Federer is the villain of the piece. Swiss: the face of secret corporations, gold, watches. When he's winning, you see him phoning to order the bath of liquid chocolate that he will swim in. When he's losing, you hear the sound of cuckoo clocks smashing. "Get the clocks and the hammer ready Genevieve, it has not been a good day."

Meanwhile Roddick's face contorts in stubbly pain - he is Hollywod, like a hero of a Bruce Springsteen song - the commentators referred to him as a 'blue-collar player', as if he's been doing a spot of welding in between sets.

17h12
Let us spare a thought for the three stooges at the back of the court who stand and adjudicate in the official posture. Apart from the one who is in the line of fire, and who is allowed to stand up, ready to flee the 120mph bullet heading their way. Perhaps a hangover from its royal days, Tennis is superabundant in these underlings, modern day courtiers in green.

17h15
Federer leads 4 games to 3. He drinks from a bottle of distilled child tears as refreshment.

17h16
Roddick winning again now. 3 hours in the sunlight! I wander if either of them have begun to hallucinate. Of course, even the random train of thought is the athlete's enemy. A long rally, and you begin to think - Aren't radishes a funny vegetable?

17h18
Game Roddick.

17h19
Federer serving now. Not headline-grabbingly fast, but accurate.

17h20
I should be making dinner but I'm not, I'm watching the tennis. Now is that scary bit where they cross each other near the net - what do they say? Nice hair, Rog. Where do ya get it cut? - I get it cut by a laser in my underground lair, Andy.

17h22
How long is it before they start sponsoring the relatives, who after all are on camera a fair.bit. One of the Roddick camp (seen doing terrorist fist bumps a minute ago) was wearing a crocs T-shirt - how much did some marketing department slip him to wear it?

17h25
Federer now winning 6-5. The commentators seem to be running out of platitudes: "Who has got what it takes to win it. Well, they both have actually." It's true. It's a brutal match though. Like the Ali-Foreman fight, with Roddick as Foreman, the big hitter, and Federer as Ali.

17h28
of course there's no trash talking in tennis. Despite the fact that some of the players wear their caps backwards.

17h29
Roddick has just brought it to 6-6 and it's seems to be in mental torment. So if Federer wins this game he's won? Surely not?

17h30
What a time to forget the rules of tennis. Well he's just won and apparently not.

17h32
Slight comic relief of watching a very muscley man hold an umbrella with military precision. Half expect him to break out of his position into a dance routine.

17h33
F approaches baseline.

17h33
15 all.

17h34
laptop battery running out but can't move to fish it out of bag, but might miss something.

17h35
They've just consulted the master computer on one of Roddick's returns and it disagreed with te already taken decision. What a strange thing to consult a virtual reality like that - do they ever think of making it look like Mario Tennis?

17h37
One of the commentators just remarked that Federer had a moment 'where he looked almost human'. Unfortunately I missed that, and he now looks like an international superrobot built by a conglomerate of banks again.

17h39
Right time to run for the laptop cable!

17h42
Phew have power and also got some biscuits. It's now 8 - 8 in the final set and F is serving. 15-30 to Roddick. 15-40 to Roddick! Good God! The wiring in the Federer mainframe must be skipping connections in the heat.

17h44
Despite being an avid browser of celebrity tat magazines, I am having trouble recognising all of the people that the audience cameras are moving in on. Surely it can't be that NORMAL people have gained access to this

17h45
The commentators now have recourse to the Commentator's Handy Book of Platitudes - "When the going gets tough, the tough get going." Do not try and ease our anxiety with mere words you silly man! We are skating on the outer edge of the incomprehensible, the edge of the unknown, the limits of human endurance, clipping the kerb of oblivion in a chariot of fire!

17h47
These are great biscuits. 35p for a pack of custard creams at Sainsbury's. Brill.

17h48
Roddick with a deft touch over the net to take it to 40-15: and he's just won. The skinny girlfriend almost cracks a smile. Are they like the US version of Posh and Becks? what am I talking about? Posh and Becks are more US than the US.

17h49
Nice shot of Woody Allen in the seats, thinking no doubt about tits.

17h50
Shot of Russell Crowe, thinking no doubt about the same thing.

17h50
Roddick just scoops a shot over Federer plc. The shareholders wince.

17h52
Federer wins the set regardless. The graphs of projected earnings pick up.

17h52
I have to admit that I doubt, like Roddick, the accuracy of the Mario Tennis projections. Maybe the guy who marks the lines has turned to drink in the pressre of the tournament, and gone off a millimetre. He will be shot at dawn by green capped muppets.

17h55
Bloody hell, 10 games each in the final set. I've got washing to put on here lads, hurry up.

17h56
Bjorn Borg breaks the silence. For a moment it seemed that the commentators had just forgotten about the mics. Federer plc wins the game - 11 to 10.

17h58
The man with the microphone has just told off the crowd for shouting. Will anybody be held back for detention?

17h59
"Rain woudl be pretty interesting at this stage wouldn't it?" says Tim Henman, leaving us baffled as to how we could have been so emotionally attached to a man with such a capacity for blandness.

18h00
Roddick (I almost accidentally typed Rocky) is on track to make it 11-11 - or is he? It's deuce now in this game. Right time to concentrate.

18h02
Advantage Roddick, still the face of pain. I almost wish Federer would do like a Swiss clinic and put him out of his misery - but no, Roddick wins.

18h06
Just had a phone call from Ben in Lancashire - does he not know that the entire world is watching a series of fluffy yellow balls? I dismiss him abruptly, after a terse volley of banter.

18h07
"Both players tired now" - presumably that manifests itself in only serving at 110mph.

18h07
Federer Plc's father looks like Mr Creosote out of Monty Python. Another titan of physical endurance. Of course F plc has not father, having been created in the Hadron Collider by the revivified brains of weapons scientists.

18h10
Talking of arms race, Henry Kissinger is in the audience. What are the chances of a superannuated celebrity collapsing from heatstroke and exhaustion? Probably be Wody Allen - all that thinking about tits is going to push him a vital couple of degrees over the safe level.

18h11
Feel sick. Have eaten too many biscuits.

18h13
Now it's Deuce in this set, with 13-12 to Federer on the scoreline. Very tense

18h14
Now it's 13 all. How long is this going to go on? I'm beginning to think time has stopped, and I have been placed in some kind of armchair sports hell as divine retribution for some misdemeanour in my young days. I will stay here surrounded by dirty washing and biscuit crumbs forever, glued to the televisual images of some endlessly slogging international sports brands, and never see the outside world again. Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrggggghhhh

18h17
Bloody hell, I've been writing this thing for over an hour. I could have finished a chapter of a novel in this time. Bloody microblogging trend, who do I think I am, Stephen Fry?

18h18
Come to think of it, who does Stephen Fry think he is? Always been puzzled by that one.

18h18
Can't stop now. As the line from Macbeth goes, 'so far steeped in biscuit crumbs and dirty washing...'

18h19
30-30. F plc jsust two points from Grand Slam. Roddick "holding on by his teeth" as Bjorn charmingly puts it. Oh well. A mispronunciated platitude is more interesting than a platitude. George W for commentator anyone?

18h22
The internet is broken so I can't look up how many sets they play before it goes to a tie break. whoever thought up this hell really had everything figured out down to the fine detail.

18h23
"That's Gavin Rossdale," says Bjorn, showing his great knowledge of slightly crap English bands.

18h24
F plc 2 points from victory here. Release me, Roger!

18h25
Now it's 30-30. I feel like the crew in the film Das Boot.

18h26
Deuce. Roddick's wag wife with a steely cosmetic face: Botoxed by the moment.

18h26
Deuce again. Implacable swiss Federer, how do you do it? What Genevan machanism is this?

18h27
Advantage Federer plc.

18h28
FEDERER'S WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I immediately feel bad for slagging him off. Daddy Sampras looks down grinning. What is happening now? The greencapped muppets are everywhere.

18h29
Roddick looks destroyed.

18h29
To slip into the vernacular: OMG, I've never seen this: they're turning the pitch into a ceremonial ground. Royalty have arrived. This is surreal.

18h31
Ah-ha. Lars Graf, microphone man, was Swedish.

18h31
Hope people spotted the Abba reference in the above.

18h32
Roddick looks like he'd want to throw that plate in a bin.

18h32
Federer plc looks quite fresh. God that trophy is gaudy. If Jacko was here he'd be commissioning a replica to hold sweets in. Give us a good baroque trophy anyday - noe of your minimalist glass and steel rubbish.

18h33
Now Roddick speaks to the crowd: wow. Even a joke to Pete Sampras. And ending on 'I'll be back'. Hollywood through and through.

18h34
"I won 5 but still it hurts". "Unfortunately tennis there has to be a winner sometimes, and today it was me." Here, I feel Federer has erred on the wrong side of glib. Probably getting ready for his career as a pundit.

18h37
Woody Allen still thinking about tits at this point probably. Wake up Woody! it's finished.

18h37
Okay stop talking to Federer now. 'Just one final question' - noooooooooo. Awww it's the Hello magazine angle - the baby. "It's good that there's an end of it". You said it Rog.